Die Hard is the greatest American action movie ever made. Released on July 12, 1988, there are an awful lot of reasons why it shouldn’t have worked. Casting the lead role of John McClane wasn’t easy. The studios really wanted either Al Pacino or Richard Gere, but neither was interested. Stallone passed on it. Schwarzenegger passed on it. Eastwood passed on it. Hell, even Frank Sinatra passed on it.* They had to settle for Bruce Willis, a motormouthed television actor. Weirder yet? Despite only being known for fairly obscure English TV, Alan Rickman landed the iconic role of archvillain Hans... Read More

During the one hour, fifty-six-minute running time of Baywatch, a variation of a thought kept running through my head. This thought would burrow to the surface of my cerebral cortex every few minutes, and when it did, it would make me slump in my seat in disappointment. God, I wish I were watching 21 Jump Street. This movie is like 21 Jump Street, but dumber, lazier, and it hates trying hard. You know what I should do this Memorial Day weekend? Get a nice bottle of scotch and watch 21 Jump Street. Great idea, brain!  Made in 2012, 21 Jump Street absolutely shouldn’t work, but it does.... Read More

Imagine you’re at a mid-level chain restaurant. You’re with your significant other, it’s a Friday night, and all day, you’ve had to deal with nonsense and babbling idiots. All you want is to relax and have a decent meal with no nasty surprises, or surprises of any kind. That’s why the Olive Gardens, T.G.I. Fridays and P.F. Changs of the world exist. Sometimes we want something predictable, something safe. You know what? There’s nothing wrong with that, occasionally. Not everything has to be a death-defying leap into the unknown. The same goes for movies. Sometimes... Read More

According to the dictionary, one of the definitions of the word “superfluous” is, “unnecessary or needless.” I mention that just to give you guys a heads up. This entire review is superfluous. I will put irresponsible amounts of money down betting that you’ve already made up your mind if you’re going to see Furious 7. Odds are nothing I write will sway you one way or the other. Is it causing me to undergo an existential crisis? Yes. But I knew the risks when I took the job, dammit. But wait! Before you think I’m going to start mercilessly ragging on Furious... Read More